I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
British websites use biscuits.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy