women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
You Might Also Like
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
How to draw a duck
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Super Hand Dog Face
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.