All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
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[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Don’t touch that.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”