[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
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Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.