I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
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the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.