*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
wow
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.