Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
this could fix me
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.