[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
your honor my client chooses dare
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk