welcome mats are just gateway rugs
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hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”