I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu