“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout