A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots