Me at 22: you can find me in da club 馃幎
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 馃泚
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My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That鈥檚 Murray…He鈥檚 my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Perfect
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you鈥檙e getting pee on my shoes.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
What鈥檚 that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn鈥檛 give two hoots.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn鈥檛 be hell then would it
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*