fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.