every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
“i am a sweet baby”
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!