Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
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me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.