*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
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In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required