My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.