I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
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I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Is this a threat?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.