Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Bill is short for Billiam
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
favorite tropes as memes
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.