If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Friday night party time 🥳
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.