Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I’d hang this in my house.