This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
You Might Also Like
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
You better watch out
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!