*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
You Might Also Like
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
he chose this