An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Fries, not lies.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.