What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
You Might Also Like
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
sry
Horrifying if literal: arm candy