My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
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The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Oh my god
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
man: wait
time: no
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.