Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
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If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Story of my life…..
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
That de-escalated quickly
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Monday
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.