[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
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I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.