ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.