I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
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The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
stand with me against insufficient seating
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]