Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
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Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
That time Alicia messaged me
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.