Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
respect