Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*