Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
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Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.