My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
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Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?