Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother