Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album