My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Sorry. Not sorry
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub