likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..