The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Art by Pastelkatto
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex