Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.