wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Not all heroes wear capes…
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..