dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
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If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
do what now??
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.