What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
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Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.