[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
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I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass