That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
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nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.