Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Pizza is an emotion right?
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
screw you
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
That’s easy for you to say
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them