My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Noah
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash