reminder
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” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.